When I read the news of Anthony Bourdain’s suicide, it made me gasp out loud! It’s heartbreaking and scary – how could anyone who seemed to have so much take his own life? Why?
I think that there are things that happen in our lives that make us feel less than. Maybe we had to do things to survive a situation that went against everything we were taught, everything we value, what we want to think of ourselves. Maybe we did something while under the influence of substances that you would take back if you could, but you cannot. Or maybe things were done to us that we couldn’t control but felt we should have. When I was raped as a teenager, I wanted no one to know. It’s still hard to bring the words out. I don’t want anyone to know the details, I don’t want to answer questions, and I certainly don’t want the pitying looks. It wasn’t my fault – I went to a party with a friend – but when Chrissie Hynde of the Pretenders said that she felt responsible for being raped, I understood. I think most of us feel responsible when something bad happens to us whether that’s true or not.
Those are the things that we hide, those things that strip us of our humanity, because we are certain that if anyone finds those demons we’ve hidden down deep in our souls, they will certainly leave us. I cannot imagine telling anyone some of the things I’ve had to do just to save my own life, and I’ve spent thousands of dollars and hundreds of hours in therapy. I’ve attended just about every kind of Twelve Step group created. Some things it would seem are just better left unsaid, unknown, as if the denial makes them disappear.
Or we have been struggling with suicide – I know I have – and we think we have it contained until one day it just sneaks up on us. There are no defensive wounds when they find our bodies.
Choose your confidante carefully, but choose someone. Don’t ever give up. If it’s troubling you, try to survive until you can get help. Every day I am grateful to God that we have the president we do. He is making some harsh things acceptable, so they can be brought out into the Light and be cured. Please don’t think that you are alone. Everyone is struggling with something. My hope is that we can bring our demons into the room and banish them together.
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline
I post this because anyone who would wait for your call understands. Please reach out to them. Also know that I used the Domestic Violence Hotline, and they saved my life. I don’t post anything lightly.