I had a really perky piece in my head that I can’t post now, not with tragedy staring us in the face. My fiftieth high school reunion is coming up – I’m not going. Besides being to close to the end of chemo, I hated high school (but that’s a post for another time.) I did, however, want to see an old high school mate who lives in Virginia Beach. I made my reservations knowing that there had been a shooting, but not understanding the scope of it until I had.
It’s been years since Charleston lost the AME 9 to the monster who pretended to serve God with them and then took their lives. I don’t look for a reason: How can there ever be a reason for evil? No murderer gets a pass in my book for mental illness. As someone who has struggled with mental health challenges her whole life, not once have I ever plotted the demise of someone I didn’t know. THAT is evil. We can search for the basis in whatever we want – illness, ideology, but in my mind there isn’t any.
I offered my friend my condolences and my support. We barely know each other, so there’s nothing else I can do. And there is a bigger, more immediate tragedy that I am facing, which is why I pulled the piece about my best friend. Her mother has been diagnosed with cancer, and it’s pretty far along. As we get older (my nurse practitioner reminds me as I go in for my weekly appointment), we’re not as strong. I was stage 2-3 when I was diagnosed (we’re treating stage 3 just in case) and had been fighting on my own for a year. My body was pretty run down. My friend’s mom is stage 4. She’s in her late seventies. That’s a lot for a body to take.
Tough week. I want to say that as we get older, it gets harder, but I don’t think that’s the truth. The truth is that we have hardship our entire lives. It’s how we grow. It’s what makes the good times, those moments that we try to stretch into hours, days, weeks, sparkle and take our breath away so much more spectacular.
It would be dishonest of my not to talk about God right now. I am always reluctant because to me, that’s the most intimate part of my life. I feel like I’m kissing and telling. As Einstein said, I don’t believe in God, I know God. I know that no matter where I go, in this dimension with all y’all or in another with someone else I love, I am with God. I don’t need to know that there is A Plan, I trust that there is one and that I have no clue what it entails. My only job is to treat others with love, dignity, and respect. I find that is a full time job and an especially necessary one. It’s my only hope. Hugs and love, Y’all. Spread it around.